Large dating site of smaller site more focussed to your needs?


This is a common question that comes up when people are looking for a dating site to join. These days there are a whole host of sites catering for every conceivable need. Do you pick a dating site that focuses on one particular need like dating for older people, disabled people or even single parents or do you decide to go with a more well known site which guarantees a bigger pool of single members?

There is no clear cut answer to this. I would generally advise newcomers to the online dating game to go with an established dating site with a good track record of customer service and a large pool of members unless your own personal requirements are quite specific. Some dating sites that cater for the likes of overweight people, red headed people and the like are generally no more likely to help you find your ideal partner than any other mainstream dating website especially when you consider that most modern dating sites offer a vast range of search options so you can filter your matches by things like build, hair colour or age. Where the more focused sites come into their own is when a person is after a very specific partner. Sites like disabled dating, single parent dating or even sites catering for a particular religion can be very effective in finding a match if you are only interested in meeting someone who matches your specified criteria and you are not open to meeting someone outside of these groups or when people of a particular group do not readily register for the more general dating sites.

In summary, if you are just more attracted to people of a certain body type, age or similar I would recommend you stick to the well known dating sites, many of which offer a free trial period so you can see if its right for you prior to handing over any money. If your needs are more strict, try a dating site that focuses on matching people in your target group.

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Are casual affairs wrecking relationships?

Casual affairs, depending on who you ask, seem to be easier than ever these days. The internet seems to have enabled a generation of people who see no harm in seeking out people online for a series of no-strings encounters. For some, the very existence of online adultery sites, or of casual dating sites like who openly promote adultery, is a sign that people are becoming less likely to work out the difficulties in the relationships that they already have.

The high profile of certain sites through deliberately controversial adverts would seem to suggest that an increasing number of people are choosing to view life and potential partners as something akin to Forest Gump’s box of chocolates. For them, it is argued, life has become all about the next flavour, the next opportunity, leading to a breakdown in traditional relationships.

Who would have believed even ten years ago how easy it could be to fall for someone you’d never met or even seen across the internet? Those who indulge in casual affairs online claim that it is harmless fun – chat and banter between people. The problem is that, like alcoholics or substance abusers, these people tend to end up wanting more. Step by step they get deeper and deeper into emotional affairs, and before they know it, they are meeting up. Where then do we draw the line between harmless flirtation and chatter and the betrayal of existing relationships?

While we may be hard pressed to say exactly where that line is drawn as it seems to vary from person to person, there can be no doubt that we all know instinctively when we’ve crossed it. We know when what we are saying or doing would cause distress to existing partners, whether it’s a marriage, civil union or ‘merely’ as boyfriend or girlfriend.

Casual affairs are quite a different beast from casual dating, where everyone knows the score and no one is getting hurt (well apart from pride if advances are rebuffed). Casual affairs, whether they start in the workplace, at a bar or in a web browser are a symptom of something going very wrong in an existing relationship. No one is ever forced into an affair, casual or otherwise, and the international divorce rates seem at the moment to continue to be in decline so we cannot really claim that affairs are any more prevalent than at any other time in history.

They are certainly easier with technology, but that’s a whole different argument.

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What Is It About Bad Boys?

What’s not to love about bad boys? When we think about what we think we lack, they have it in spades. A bad boy is confident, rebellious and boy, talk about that alpha male masculinity challenging us. There’s something about that mysterious, brooding loner that rings all our bells – and of course, it’s all just an illusion.

When it comes down to it, most bad boys crumble when the going gets tough. The minute something needs facing, or that they should be taking ownership of what they’ve done, they’ll deflect, sidestep and dissemble to avoid it. Like anyone, a bad boy values his freedom, but they’ll often be so afraid of feeling trapped that they’ll make an exaggerated shying away from intimacy and closeness. For many of us, we’ll see this as a rejection and chase after them to try and ‘make things up’ – making the bad boy run even faster.

My experience is that your average bad boy is sensitive, but only as far as his own needs. There’s a narcissism that allows them to use their sensitivity to manipulate you into satisfying their needs – and they will often appear quite thoughtful and charming about it. You might think that the date is all about you, but it is at heart all about meeting their needs.

On a certain level there’s honesty about that, if that’s all you’re looking for in the relationship. And if you’re dating a bad boy, you almost certainly do already know about this. You’re well aware of the fragility behind that bluff take-charge exterior, and you’ll be forgiving and caring and supportive as much as they need – but that’s the trap.

What we do when we fall in love is raise that person up in our esteem, putting them on a pedestal. When their opinion, actions and words mean as much to us as they do, we are reducing our own status. Equality comes in the relationship when your partner does the same back bring you both back to a normal level. A bad boy usually doesn’t have the maturity or openness to be able to do this for you, leading to a huge imbalance in the relationship. We want that love back, so we chase after them, demanding it – and they see that as an attempt to pin them down, so they run.

My advice? Know what you want, and be up front about it. Who knows, maybe you’ll become a bit of a bad boy yourself?

This article was submitted by Lisa from, one of South Africa’s leading gay dating websites. Lisa writes for several high profile dating agencies about relationship related issues and is a active supporter of education in Africa of gay rights.

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